The New Maybach Announces You to the Valet by Name. Unplug the Sill.

When you open the rear door of the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class, a light in the sill throws the word Maybach onto the ground beside your shoe. Mercedes says this car is a sanctuary. A cocoon. A place of serene calm. Then it opens and introduces you to the valet by name, in light, before you have said a word.

I fear valets. I once changed dentists over a valet who touched a hood with a ring on. Now there is a car that hands the parking attendant my name in a warm pool of light on the asphalt. I want the lamp gone. Not dimmed. Gone.

The tragedy is that the craft is real. The grille is 20 percent larger now, under an illuminated surround. The standing star rides a ball-bearing mechanism and stays upright no matter how the wheel turns beneath it. Inside, 199 LEDs breathe across 64 colors with names like Rose Gold and Amethyst Glow. The champagne flutes are silver-plated. Every surface of this car whispers. Then the sill shouts your name at the pavement.

A sanctuary is supposed to make the world outside disappear. My apartment has one chair and no couch. I eat lunch standing at the counter so the trousers do not crease. I take the bus, and the driver on the 14 points out interesting wheels. Nobody on that bus knows my name, and that is the luxury. This car spent the most extensive update in its history learning to spell mine on the asphalt. My 2001 Audi TT will stay under its cover, in the dark, saying nothing. That is what serenity costs. The Maybach cannot afford it.